For me to finally get a professional to sit down with me and go over the criteria of Manic Depression and Bi-polar, feels great, even though she wasn’t the appropriate person to get the information from. I feel like that this time around, reaching out for the last time was the best thing I have done. At first I was afraid that she wouldn’t care, just like all the other professionals I have tried to get help from in the past, but she proved to be so much better than those I’ve gone to in the past.
My counselor grabbed a book from her desk and went through a decent amount of questions and for everything I said yes to, led her to the same answer. “Get some help. Harass your primary care to have them give you a mental eval.”
I don’t think it’s great that I am mentally ill, but I do think it’s great that someone finally gives a crap because then it takes a lot of weight off of me as well as it does to my friends who spotted this before I even bothered to take it into consideration.
I know that there will be people that will say that I’m faking it and that I am looking for attention, but that’s okay, because they don’t understand how this feels. It’s not because I’ve been hurt over and over again – it does play into it, but I strongly believe this is mostly over chemical imbalances.
I told her (my counselor) that when I watched Shameless and cried my eyes out when I saw Ian have his mental break down, she knew exactly what I was talking about. Thankfully I haven’t reached that level physically, but I have emotionally, time and time again and that is why I feel so alone. Feeling like that no one cares or could possibly understand. But the more and more I search for people online who knows my pain, or close to it, the more I am relieved to know that I AM NOT ALONE!!! At least not the way I think I am.
It isn’t easy to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am going to be alright, mostly because I am disgusted with the way that I look and feeling like that no one is attracted to me, but the monster inside of me. But I have to tame that monster in order to look at myself again and be thankful that I am alive. To be thankful of what I do have and to not think of what could have been.
This is going to be a life long battle, but it is one that I am glad to accept. To be told by friends that I am a strong person isn’t as believable as it is to have my counselor tell me to my face that I am indeed a strong person. To have done this for so long without any professional help or being placed on medication is showing that I AM a strong person.
In ways I am feeling sorry for the friends and boyfriends that had to put up with my roller-coaster of emotions, but at the same time I am grateful for those who stayed by my side. Even though it is a small amount, it is better than nothing at all. I still have time to fix myself so that I wont lose the ones I still have and hopefully one day gain some new ones.
Not only do I believe that God and Jesus has been my rock, I believe that someone has been nudging me along, whether it is a Guardian Angel or the spirit of a loved one. No matter how down I have been, something has been holding me up and I am deeply grateful for that.
One thing that has always been different with me, is that I see the good in people no matter how horrible they are. I see beauty in the dark and I see evil in the light. If this makes me crazy, then so be it because I wouldn’t be me if I never could do these things.
I need to embrace my weirdness even more than I have and I need to keep on looking past the people who judge and hurt me, even if they are family. If I cannot be accepted for who I am, then that is your problem – but know this – I accept you for who you are and for all the things you have done horrible towards me or others. I hope that something will break you and you seek the help that you need. Cause like the Beatles said “All You Need is Love, Love is All You Need.”