Patience is hardly a strong suit for me. Some things I am able to wait for, like a Christmas present coming in the mail, but for others, like the right man, isn’t something I’m good at. Mostly because I some how get trapped in a relationship that fails from the get go and I am always the one having to walk away.
For being a 30 year old, this is the hardest (and I know I’ve talked about this before in other posts) thing to ever deal with. While friends and family members are already marries and have children or about to have them, I am sitting alone, writing this and trying to be patient.
And this is where faith starts to fade.
I have strong faith in other aspects though.
I was talking to my good friend about this last night, we’ll call her “Bryn” so she’s not recognizable. I told her that I wish that God would allow me to know who I am going to be with in the future, she said “That’d be nice but it would also take some of the magic out of it.” I asked her to explain that to me. “Half the excitement is not knowing” was her next answer. I understand what she is saying, but it’s the exact same answer I get from everyone else, so I tend to get frustrated – not that she really knew that I get the same answers – so not frustrated at her. I finally told her that if I was told by God, “You’ll be with so-and-so in a years time,” then I can be happy with knowing who it was going to be with, so that I could avoid the wrong people, work on myself and achieve the things I need before I met him. “Bryn” said, “I mean… that’s exactly what I meant. The push and pull, the challenge of will they won’t they. It’s exciting. It’s a rush sometimes. But like with everything, it needs balance.” Which I agreed, because I would still work on that relationship with that person. I just don’t want to find out that I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life here on Earth. I’m not comfortable with that idea.
Why is having a good attitude during the waiting game a thing needed especially when someone has depression and anxiety?! Because things don’t come to those who are shitty, and if they do, then Karma will eventually work itself out.
No ones going to want to be around someone when they have a bad attitude, but it is hard to keep one if you have chronic depression and anxiety. So working on the depression and anxiety first is key to having a good attitude. Trying to hold onto the good things and placing them ahead of the bad is a good way to start.
What are some good things to be happy about?!
Instead of being sad or jealous of someone else having a baby, be happy that you get to see that baby smile and laugh. An example is when a girl that I had been friends with for years is no longer my friend. She chose to do bad things that I couldn’t go along with. Instead of me staying upset with the fact that we’re no longer friends, I can hold on to the fact that I was the one who was there when her daughter took her first steps and she was not. It sounds like an awful thing to say, but look at it in a different way; I helped her stand up, held her tiny hands and scooted back. She took her first steps towards me and it was the coolest thing ever to happen. A baby learned something because of me.
My goddaughter learned how to drink out of an adult cup because of me. She also learned how to pull on her own pull up because of me. These are things to be happy and thankful for. One of her first words was ‘donkey’ and that will forever be mine and her father’s longest running joke. Again, something funny to hold onto and put before the pain and misery my brain forces onto me.
Accepting what has not been given to me, I think is just as hard as patience. I have to accept the things that have happened to me, good or bad and I will have to accept whatever is thrown my way from this day forward. It’s going to be a long, bumpy road, but it is something I must do. Suicide isn’t the answer even though I prefer to not live in a shitty world like this. But guess what?! There’s nothing that I can do, but be a loving, caring, kind person that I should be. And maybe, just maybe, that is how I will find the right man.
I have never been the type of person to make goals and because I haven’t done it, I am suffering the consequences. I have learned a lot and hopefully be able to pass that along to others as well as my goddaughter, niece/nephew that will be arriving sometime in May/June next year and if any children of my own happens. I don’t want my children to be told that their dreams are never achievable, because this is what was told to me growing up and I believe that is part of the reason why my depression had started at a young age.
Please don’t ever break your children’s dreams/spirits. It will ruin them forever. You may not believe that it will, but it does.
My dreams have always been all over the place, but I do keep having the same dream over and over that I will be married some day. Patience on knowing when is the key.
Here’s to hoping and patience. May it bring me peace and security, undying love and loyalty. I also hope that these things come to each and every one of my readers.