My Sense of Humor and Writing

My sense of humor has come from a lot of British comedies; from the Monty Python geniuses, to Mr. Bean, yet, I cannot get comedy written out in my works. For the life of me, I cannot do this and I have no clue why. I have always wanted to write a romantic comedy, but fail every time. I’ve watched countless movies with a lot of humor in it, for instance, Easy A and Zombieland, but still cannot get it right. I can make jokes with friends – some being inside jokes, but once I sit in front of this laptop, there’s nothing really.
About a week ago I wrote this two chapter romantic comedy and then stopped working on it because I didn’t feel like it was funny enough and I hopped right into a sexual situation, like I always do when I feel trapped in my own mind.
SO I’ve decided to post the first chapter to see if anyone thinks it’s worth my time. If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to comment. I’m good at writing anything else, but not this. And I hate it.
Here’s chapter one of the story so far, titled – This is Gospel:

“What’s your biggest pet peeve?” She asked him, curiosity striking her.

“Well, your face for one.” He sipped his coffee, waiting for a response, noticing that she had none. “All that make up makes you look like a painted whore.”

She scoffed. “I’ll be sure to never wear any around you.” Pulling her dark, brown hair over her shoulder, she made sure that she kept herself from looking at him directly. She placed her cold hands over the mug, inhaling the steamy, cocoa. This time of the year was her favorite; crunchy leaves, beautiful colors and pumpkin spice everything. She sighed as she looked up and out at the record store across the street. Her best friend and roommate had gone in there twenty minutes ago, but it felt like double the time. It wasn’t that she was impatient, but worried that if her friend didn’t return soon, she was going to snap on him. For her, it had been three years since she saw him last and this wasn’t how she thought everything would go. She couldn’t help but bounce her leg up and down as she kept her eyes on the door to the business.

“Are you going to eat that?!” He pointed to the chocolate chip muffin.

“Yes.” She gave a little attitude, which made him give her a face of disapproval with a mixture of disgust.

“Geesh, pull that tampon out of your ass. If I didn’t know any better, you rather be away from this situation.”

She turned her head and stared him in the eyes. “I’ve just had a long day. I’ve been up since six a.m, because Marissa wanted to go jogging and then do a lot of baking. So the whole house smells like spices.”

“Oh?” His curiosity strike him. “I may have to go over and do some sampling.”

“Be my guest. She’ll be excited to see you again.” She looked away when Marissa’s waving caught the corner of her eye. “Oh, speaking of Mars, there she is.”

“You know that I don’t really like her, right?”

“She’s your friend, how do you not like her?”
“Not like that….” His voice trailed off when Marissa stopped by their table.

“Jamie!” She was overly excited to see him. “I made goodies this morning.”

“Yeah, Riley told me.”

“I even made you your favorite cookies in celebration of your homecoming.”

“Oh, you didn’t have to.”
“Oh come on.” She pinched his arm, ignoring his complaint. “A few sugar cookies won’t break your diet.” She turned to Riley. “I’m heading to the book store now. Did you still want to join me?!”
“Yeah, if you tone down the bubbliness.”

Marissa frowned. “Oh, didn’t realize.” She turned and headed down the street towards the book store. Riley and Jamie got up and grabbed their things, leaving the mugs behind and followed their friend down to the bookshop. Riley sneezed when she smelled pine, shoved the wrapped muffin into her purse and headed inside and down the steps. Marissa made a bee line to the new section, while Riley wondered to the back where all the graphic novels sat, opposite of Marissa. Her fingers ran across the bottom of the spines, stopping on the American blue colored one. She pulled it out, scanning her eyes over the words. Captain America. Her body temp rose when she sensed Jamie was behind her, chills going through her when he spoke in her right ear.

“You were always a slut for that man.”

“Better than the Joker, right?!”

“Well, Harley is smokin’ hot….so there’s some room for the Joker.”

“I rather have Loki.” She placed the book back, shuffled over to the side wall were all the romance novels were. She grabbed the Notebook and shoved it into Jamie’s hands. “Have some inspiration so you can make Megan happy again.” She turned and walked towards the front of the store. He threw the book onto the shelf, scratched the back of his head and then made his way to her.

“I take it that you don’t know that we split up?”

She became sarcastic. “Oh no, what happened? Did you forget to buy her an engagement ring?!”
“No. She left me for an older man. A musician to be exact.”

“How much older?”

“Fifty.”

The book almost fell out of her hands, but she caught it against her body and then looked at him, surprised. “You’re shitting me.”

“No.” He shook his head slightly. “Apparently she prefers saggy balls. Which is alright with me. She annoyed the fuck out of me anyway.”

Marissa walked over to the table behind him. “What brought you back home anyway?”

He looked over his shoulder at her. “I felt that it was time to come home. Get some things squared away before I start a new chapter in my life.”

“And how’s that coming along for yah?” She grabbed a blue book, placing it on top of the two that were already in her left arm.

“Slow.”

“Where are you planning to stay?!”
“Well, the hotel…until I can find an apartment.”

“Holly’s boyfriend has been looking for a roommate.”

Riley spoke up. “Mars, Holly was going to move in.”

“Oh yeah. Forgot. What about your brother?”

“Ha, that’s going to have to take a lot of convincing to do. Remember what happened with the last roommate?”

“Yeah, douche bag decided to do everything opposite of what he agreed on.” She took the books to the counter and pulled money out of her purse. “He can always crash on the couch until we figure something out for him.”

“Oh, I don’t want to impose.” Both girls stared at him. “Yeah, don’t even begin.” He knew what was going to happen if he tried to refuse. “Alright. I will follow you girls to your place, but do note that I have a dog too.”

“Where is he anyway?”

“I dropped him off at the vet to get checked up. I’ll be picking him up soon.”

“Okay. We’ll follow you there and then you follow us home.” Marissa grabbed the bag from the cashier and then made her way out to the street. Jamie and Riley were a few steps behind her, heading towards the parking garage two blocks away. Jamie’s eyebrow cocked when he noticed that they had a car parked between them, a car that didn’t seem to suit them.

“Nice family car.”

“Great to see that you kept the Chevelle.” Marissa opened the driver door and hopped in before he could slap words back in her face. Riley, on the other hand was going to have a hard time keeping herself from commenting. She quickly buckled up and started her car and then flipped through the stations while she waited for Riley to climb in. After a few times through, she finally pushed in her Pierce the Veil CD and tapped her fingers on the steering wheel.

Riley bit her bottom lip as she got into the car and buckled up. She said nothing as they pulled out of the parking slot and headed out to the street. It wasn’t like her to not comment on things that Marissa would point out, but this time she had a reason to. She didn’t know how to feel about him keeping the Chevelle and it was apparent.

“It’s just a car.” Marissa’s voice was softer than usual. “I’m sure he didn’t mean to upset you. Maybe he will finally get rid of that piece of shit.”

“I’m sure he doesn’t even remember.”

“I think he does. He most likely won’t bring it up because he knows how much everything means to you.”

“Used to.”

“Come on Riley. After three years of being apart, I’m sure there’s some resonating feelings. You both left on a sour note. Nothing was ever closed between you two. And even if he assumes that there was, there is always room to forgive and move on. I don’t see him wanting anything more than to get back the friendship that he has always had with you.”

“That’s just it. We can never be friends the way we were. That all stopped the minute he kissed me. Twenty seven years together, washed away…..” Her voice trailed off when she started to day dream about that day.

“Ri.” Marissa grabbed her leg and gently squeezed. “Stay with me girl.” Riley sighed. “You love him and you admitting it spooked him. Although it’s a cop out to a certain degree cause we know that he loves you.”

“Why do I still have that feeling that my brother has something to deal with his leaving?”

“Trust me, your brother wouldn’t do that to you. He knows how much Jamie means to you. And you know that I wouldn’t let your brother take another breath if he tried to hurt you like that. Remember. MacCalren’s stick together, through thick and thin. Jamie has always been on Adam’s good side. That’s more than anyone has ever been able to do. All of the boys you have been with, and yes, I do know that I just called them boys cause that’s what they are. Your brother hated every, single, one of them. He has never hated Jamie. Never. No matter how many times Jamie was a little shit, your brother loved him. The only person I would be worried about is your flakey uncle.”

Riley made a face. “That sounds more like him.”

“Maybe someday soon, Jamie will finally open up to you. You’ll need to be patient though. One day at a time. And I’ll be here.” Marissa squeezed her hand.

“I wish I knew why he came back here.”

“Duh, it’s obvious that he wants to find out if there’s closure or if he still has a chance.”

“How can I? He got with Megan. And I….I might as well be a virgin again since it’s been three years.”

“If you’re a virgin, than I’m Mother Mary.” Marissa pulled up behind the Chevelle and parked it. She turned to her friend. “That boy is crazy for you and I will get him to prove it to you.”

“I wish you wouldn’t.”

“Okay. Spend the rest of your life as the next crazy cat lady.” When she saw Jamie walk out of the vet with a large, Boxer, she gasped. “Holy hell. That things going to eat your cat.”

Riley looked out the window, eyes widening. “Oh, poor, Sammy.” She rolled down the window. “When you said dog, I wasn’t thinking a big one.”

“You don’t remember Hector? My mom’s dog?”

“Holy shit. That’s him?”

“Yeah.”

“I have a kitten at home.”

“Don’t worry. He’s good with them.” He opened the passenger door and smiled when his dog hopped in without hassle. He closed the door and went around the back side, making a face at the girls before he got into the car. Once they were off again, the girls sang along to the songs, laughing at each other if they were off key.

 

 

Riley was the first to walk into the house, going straight to the couch furthest from the door and scooped her kitten off the back and headed to her room. Hector came marching in, stopping when he noticed that it wasn’t his home. He turned and looked up at Jamie. “It’s alright bud. It’s temporary.” He pulled his suitcase in and moved off to the side when Marissa walked in. She laughed when her puppy yipped at Hector.

“Mooshie. You’re an idiot. He’ll eat you.” She picked him up and carried him into the kitchen, dropping him onto the floor in front of his bowl. She filled it and then turned to the fridge. “Do you want something to drink?”

“Got any beer?”

“Guinness.”

“Sure.”

She grabbed two bottles and then headed back into the living room, handing him one before sitting down. “There’s a closet over there that you can put your stuff in. Don’t mind Mooshie. He thinks he’s king around here.”

“Why Mooshie?”

“My sister named him that. She’s only twelve. Mom said that she wasn’t taking care of him, so I took him. He’s a dingy Yorkie, but he’s comforting when needed.” She took a sip of beer. “Your dog on the other hand, seems to be content with this place.”

“He’s always liked Riley.” They looked at him, noticing that he was laying down with a sad face. “He hasn’t seen her in a long time.”

“Speaking about a long time.” He looked at her. “You ever going to talk to her about what happened?”
“I wasn’t planning on it. You’re not going to let me leave here without talking to her, are you?” She said nothing as she took a gulp. He sighed and rubbed his eye brow. “I never wanted to leave her.”

“Ah, I knew it!”

“Shhh.” He put a finger to his lips.

Marissa lowered her voice. “She has not known what to think for the past three years. Dammit Jay, why didn’t you tell her?”

“Her uncle….”His voice trailed off when they heard Riley talking as she walked down the hallway.

“I knew it. I knew that it was that assholes fault.” Marissa stopped talking and pulled her legs up onto the couch, glancing up at her friend when she appeared.

“Did you know that Adam was staying over tonight?” She was holding her phone in her hand, going through text messages. “I had no clue that he had been messaging me, warning me of his arrival.”

“Oh. No. He didn’t say anything to be.”

“Woops. I guess it was supposed to be a surprise.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Oh well. He wasn’t good with surprises anyways.”

“That’s for sure.”

She pocketed her phone and then looked at them. “What’s going on with you two?”

“Not much.” He nodded at his dog. “Hector misses you.”

“Well, Hector. Do you want a treat?” His head perked up. “Come on, goofy.” She headed into the kitchen, Hector getting up and trotting after her.

Jaime shot a glance at Marissa. “Don’t say a word.”

“I wasn’t.” They both looked out the window when they heard a car pull up.

“Ri, Holly’s here.”

“Oh. Did she bring David?”

“Yeah, it looks like it.”

“David? David Sullivan?”

“Yeah. They’ve been together for five years now.”

“Wow. That’s amazing.” He got up when the door opened and turned to greet them. Holly screeched when she saw him, shuffled over to him and threw her arms around him. “Holy hell.”

“Holy shit. When did you get back in?”

“Today.”

“How long?”

“I have some things I have to deal with.”

She pulled away and looked into his dark, brown eyes. “I am so sorry about your mom. She was a wonderful lady.”

“Indeed she was.”

She quickly changed the subject. “I’m so selfish. You remember David, right?” She moved off to the side, happy when they shook hands. “What’s for dinner?”

“I have no clue.”

“Take out.” Marissa spoke up.

“Pizza or Chinese?”

“Chinese.”

“Oh, I’m in Heaven.” She waltzed into the kitchen.

“Are you going to tell her?” David asked Jamie, keeping his voice as low as possible. Jamie sighed, not wanting to answer, glaring at Marissa when she piped up.

“That’s what I’ve been asking.”

Holly walked back out, holding onto the Yorkie. “This thing is so cute.”

“No. Put him back.” David spoke up. “You don’t need another dog.”

“I don’t want him. He belongs to Mars anyways.” She rolled him onto his belly and began to rub as she looked between her friends, telling them what happened to them today. “Uh, I wish you two were with us when we went to the theater. People need to mind their own business.”

“What happened?”

David answered. “Some people didn’t agree with me dating a white girl.”

“Pfft. She aint white. She’s neon white.” Marissa teased.

“Hey, I get tans.”

“Anyways. One asked me why I’m not dating another nigger and made her feel horrible, I was sure she was going to cry.”

“Why can’t people just realize that love makes the world go around?” Marissa blabbed, but everyone ignored her.

“That’s bullshit.” Jamie responded. “I think you two are the cutest.

“I know, right.” Holly smiled at him, then placed the puppy back onto the floor. “Anyways, the guy wouldn’t shut up about it until I turned around to walk away. Apparently my ass has gotten bigger over the last two years.”

“The dude almost fell to the floor. I walked out with her on my arm and never looked back.”

“Good for you.” Jamie smirked.

“OH!” Marissa hopped up and rushed to the door. “RI! Food’s here!” She yelled as she opened the door and sprinted out to the purple car in the rain.

“That girl never stops does she?” Holly made a face. “I cannot believe she ran out there in socks.”

“I cannot believe that it’s already raining.” Jaime felt his dog bump his hand and patted his head. “Looks like your walk will have to wait.”

Marissa ran back into the house with a big bag of food, carried it to the dining room and placed the bag down. While she pulled everything out, Holly helped Riley bring out plates, silverware and beer for everyone. Everyone found their spot around the table and begun to dig into the boxes and then pass them around once they were done. Nothing had changed since the last time they all sat down and had dinner together and Riley hoped that it wouldn’t ever change again.

 

 

“Thank you so much for letting us stay the night. I cannot believe that the battery died. And the weather is horrible tonight.”

“You’re welcome.” Riley fanned out the sheet and lowered it with Holly’s help.

“I hope that you’ll be alright out there in the living room.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Did your brother make it over here safely?”
“Yeah, he said that the flight was horrible. He ate a few pieces of chicken and then went straight to bed. That’s why Mars went to be early.”

“Poor guy. I wish he would find a job closer to home.”

“He loves to travel.”

“Yeah, but Mars can’t even go with him. Doesn’t that worry her?”

“No.” She shrugged. “I guess she really trusts him.”

“Well you are his sister.”

“Yeah, he knows I’ll stab him.” She fluffed the pillow. “Warning you now, Sammy, my kitten, will be in here confused.”

“Ah, well, he can snuggle with us anytime.”

“She.”

“Oh, she. Okay.” She sat down on the bed and started to pull off her heels. “Do you mind telling David that I’m going to bed?”

“Yeah. I can do that.” She went around the bed and gave her a hug. “I missed you.”

“I’ve only been gone for a few weeks.”
“I know, but it feels like forever.” She pulled away from her, hands being held.
“You should be hugging that boy out there. He’s the one you should be missing.”

“I highly doubt he wants me touching him.”

“You’d be surprised what you could get out of him if you took the first step. I know you do not want to sleep on that crappy couch that Mars loves so much. He has the better one. You two always fit on it perfectly.”

“Don’t give me any ideas.”

“Take control for once. Lord knows you’ve done so much following. Make him weak in the knees for once.”

“Tempting.” She pulled her hands away and left the room.

“Good night Ri-ri.”

“Night Holly.” Annoyance filled her when she heard her childish nickname. The voices in the living room went silent when she walked in and looked at David. “She’s getting ready for bed.”

“That’s my cue.” He got up and went to her, giving her a hug before he went to her bedroom. “Have a good night you two.”

“Night.” Riley and Jamie responded.

Riley noticed that he was in sweats and a white tank top. He was leaning on his knees, flipping through the magazine that was on the coffee table. She moved over to him, reached out and grabbed a hand full of hair, lightly tugging on it. When she pulled away, he grabbed her hand, looking up at her. “He decided to take the other couch.” She looked at Hector and scoffed. “You can take this one and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

“It’s going to be cold tonight. Our heater stopped working last week.”

“I’ll be fine. I want you to be comfortable.” He let her hand go and looked back down at the magazine. She pulled off her bracelets and rings, except for one and placed them down onto the table. She then pulled off her socks and bra, placing them onto the table as well.

“I’m going to be taking off my jeans, I can’t sleep with them on.”

“It’s alright. Not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

“I’m trying to be polite.” She grabbed the pillows off of the couch and tossed them at the closet. She then pulled the jeans off and knelt down onto the couch, moved around him and laid down. “Shit, the quilt isn’t going to be enough.”

“I’ll get you a blanket.”

“No, I’ll get it.”

He stood and went to the closet, opened it and pulled out a large blanket. He then closed the door and went over to her, unfolding the blanket. He then draped it over her and sat down onto the floor. Riley rolled over onto her side and grabbed his arm. “I really don’t want you sleeping in the cold.”

“You’re not going to stop whining, are you?”

“No.” She reached out to touch his face, but fell short. “Come. It’s just one night.” He sighed, kissed her hand, got up and moved the blanket. He laid down next to her, pulled the blanket over them and tried to get comfortable.

“This isn’t going to work.” He sat up and hopped over her, forcing her to the edge of the couch, laid down onto his back and then pulled her in. She wrapped her arm around his chest, feeling him grab her leg and pull it around his. The silence grew between him, his words building up, wanting to rush out of his mouth. He wanted to kiss her, afraid that it wouldn’t be what she wanted. A kiss on her head was safer, rolling his eyes when he heard Hector snore loudly. “This is going to be a long night.”

“Holly said that they will be gone after she gets coffee. They have a lot of errands to do. We could move to my room if you’d like.”
“Maybe.” He yawned. “Okay. Time to get some sleep.” He closed his eyes and listened to the rain hit the window as well as Hector’s heavy sigh every once in a while. His brain refused to stop running a hundred miles per an hour, with memories and trying to find the right words to say to her. He hoped that she was going to have a better time with sleeping because it wasn’t going to be good for the both of them to be grumpy in the morning. “Riley?” His voice was soft in her ears. Her little grunt brought a smile to his face. “Good night.” She grunted again and then grabbed his hand and held it tight. Jaime wrapped his other arm around her and tucked his fingers under her arm. The last thing that he needed was a hard on in the middle of the night.

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