the Duff

Have you ever watched the movie the Duff? For those of you who haven’t, the Duff stands for; the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Well, when I first saw the movie, I laughed but realized that I was that friend. And tonight, I watched it again, at first to pass time until I was able to call a friend, but then watched it with no distractions and noticed that it was affecting me more.

Not only am I a Duff with friends, I am a Duff with family. And this has caused me to become the Black Sheep as well. No, I don’t think that I am ugly, nor do I think that I am beautiful. I am just simply here. You could say, ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder’ but let’s face it. If this was true, then why am I still single? Why am I still struggling on day to day living? Why am I a childless person?

These questions haunt me every damn day, no matter what time of the day it is. But worse when I first lay in bed and try to sleep. Granted I try to pray every night, thanking the Lord for everything he has given me and to give me strength and courage and to help everyone that I love and care about.

But sometimes that doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

Because now it isn’t just my pretty friends who get attention. No. Its friends who are also overweight, who make a big deal over nothing and pretend that everything’s A -OK with them so they can get attention. And guess what?! It works every time.

And I’m still over here with nothing on my plate. I have friends who pretend they care about me, (but really, if you did, you’d be saying hello to me at least twice a week.) And my family, well, if I had my way, I’d rip you all a new one for the way you’ve always treated me. Thank you to everyone who has always asked how my sister was, or how my brother was, but never about how I am. I may be a screw up in your eyes, but at least I give a damn about the people who come into my life, whether they have pissed me off or not. Do you know why? It’s because it’s called forgiveness. Obviously something a lot of you don’t really give a shit less about.

Why does it matter that I am weird? That I don’t talk the same way you do, or praise the Lord the same way that you do? Do you not remember all of the people that are listed in the Bible did not have a place to go to, to worship the Lord and Jesus? You can build your castles to reach as high as the clouds all you want, but in the end, the ground is all that matters.

My words may never come out perfectly from my mouth, but they are strong when I write them down and it is here that I am the smartest. I write from my heart and soul and know that no matter what I say, the majority of the people who are reading this, are going to think so many different things about me.

  1.             That I am only doing this for attention.
  2.             That I am so full of myself and a drama queen.

But you know what. I don’t give a damn what you think. Because in the end, all that really matters is what God will think of me.

I don’t condone or condemn people for their actions and words. It is your own business and you will be dealt with accordingly, with God.

Back to what I have been saying about myself……

I may be short and it may be entertaining to see me struggle with reaching things or finding the right size jeans, but at least I don’t really have to duck under things and I have the luxury to flip back the seat and crawl into the back to retrieve something for you while you drive.

I may be fat, but at least I look good in baby-doll shirts and I don’t have to worry about my phone falling into the toilet.

I may not drive and seem irresponsible, but what you aren’t paying attention to, is the fact that I am staying active with no cholesterol problems, because I walk or bike everywhere I go.

And I may not have the prettiest face in the world and lace on a pound of makeup, at least it shows that I can have true beauty and not hide behind some facade. Also, my breasts may be small, but at least they won’t be hanging down to my knees by the time I am 90 years old.

I may be the ugliest person to you in physical form, but I sure do know how to get someone to laugh. I am the most sincere, outrageous person once you get to know me. And I lend an ear like no other and blatantly tell you how it is, whether you think I’m being a bitch or not. It is always better to be honest than to sugar coat everything.

I am neither an introvert nor an extrovert, a pessimist or optimistic; a Gemini or a Cancer. I am in-between. And I will always be that way, there’s nothing you nor can anyone else in this world do about it. It is me and I will not change for anyone in this world.

I am not a mother. I am not a wife.

But I am a sister, a friend and a daughter and that is as good as it’s going to get.

To fall into another category of things, in this crazy circle of random conversation, to be a mother is something that I have always wanted. But to know the reason why, is something I have never figured out. I know that having a child, you must have the patience and money, but all I can give right now is love.

To be a wife, what does that truly mean as well? Patience and gratitude; honesty and respect, communication and trust. The keys to every great relationship, well as far as everyone wants you to think.

What I told a friend the other night, to help him get some insight to a relationship, I wrote; Love comes through years of two people who keep trying and never give up. It doesn’t always come over night, but when it does happen, it’s one of the most beautiful things that was given to us by God.

Adding more to this; love and a true relationship will never be easy. It will have its ups and downs, twists and turns, but as long as each person is willing to keep fighting for what they believe in, the relationship will last for the rest of their lives.

Stop looking to the horrible people of the Hollywood industry, who keep hopping from person to person; those are the ones who are unhappy with their lives. Instead, look to the ones who are supportive of each other, who have lasted a long time and even in their greatest falls, still loved each other. They could be your next door neighbor; an aunt and an uncle or maybe your friend and their husband. You won’t ever know until you look in the right place.

For now, this is my rant. It will never make perfect sense the first time you read something that I write. But eventually it will all come together and make some kind of sense to you. I hope that maybe one day, when you are in need of guidance, whatever I write will help you out.

Until next time, if you are a person who believes in the power of prayer, do say a prayer. If you do a planned out prayer every day/night, try changing it up a little.

And for everyone who isn’t religious, you are still welcomed to read what I have written.

I hope the best for you all.

If you’re reading this during the day, have a wonderful day. Think positive thoughts.

And if you’re reading this at night, I hope you have good dreams and your brain allows you to sleep at night.

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